


Your Heart's A Mess

by arkadianmouse



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dreams, F/M, Gen, Introspection, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-07
Updated: 2012-07-07
Packaged: 2017-11-09 09:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/453733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arkadianmouse/pseuds/arkadianmouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia Martin does not understand the ways of the heart.</p><p>[Character Introspection of Lydia Martin; including how she interacts with others as well as how she deals with her hallucinations of Peter Hale.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Heart's A Mess

**Author's Note:**

> Lydia Martin is my absolute favorite on this show. I wanted to write something that kind of combined my feelings on her with what I think is going on in her head. 
> 
> I kind of go off the fan theory that she is beginning to hallucinate a young version of Peter Hale. I also believe that she is suffering from some kind of PTSD, which is why I really wish that someone would just tell her what is going on!
> 
> This fic begins halfway through Episode 2.6 "Frenemy", during Lydia's conversation with Allison in the car. Spoilers for Season 1. 
> 
> The title is from Gotye's song "Your Heart's A Mess", and I incorporated a few of the lyrics in. There are also quite a few lines from Stephen Crane's poem "The Heart".
> 
> Finally, I sort of ship Everyone/Everyone in Teen Wolf, so the pairings are very ambiguous and can be read however you like.

He comes to you in your dreams at night, where he knows you cannot escape him. Whispers truths that you do not want to admit to yourself, so he does it for you. 

He fills every crevice of your mind, every nook in your body, occupies spaces you didn’t know had space.

He leaves you just as quickly, and you forget everything, and you think that maybe it was just a dream after all.

 

You have been in love before, but you have never loved. You look at this girl sitting next to you, with all her flaws, and you wonder at how she speaks of Scott with such conviction. She knows her place in this world, and she knows that it is by his side—not beneath him, but as his equal. You envy her.

You wonder which would be more satisfying— to take Scott from Allison or Allison from Scott. The two mesh into one, and you want both, and you want everyone, because all you’ve ever wanted is love. But you’ve never had it.

You shake your head at Allison, and admit to her that this degree of love is something wholly new to you, an experience you’ve never had. It slips out before you can take it back, and you don’t want to look at her anymore, so you slip out of the car and into your house and into your bed. You fall asleep with tears on your lashes, knowing he will come for you in the night.

 

He is something different, and it scares you. He is young and he is old, he is broken and he is whole, he is calm and he is fury. 

He is an animal, and he is the most human thing you’ve ever encountered. 

 

You’ve never preyed on Stiles. It would be too easy. Until recently, he had slipped completely under your radar, easily, thoughtlessly. You would feel sorry for him, but he is so strong that he only garners your respect. He is your equal, and so you do not want to destroy him.

He would have seen right through you, besides. He is smart like that.

 

You are intelligent, and you are beautiful, and you are unkind. But you like to think that you have a heart. You just don’t understand it.

You stare at yourself in the mirror, watching for some flicker of life. Your fingers brush over the scar at your side, the raw and battered flesh, and you don’t let yourself cry. It doesn’t hurt anymore.

You remember bleeding out though, and if you have blood, you must have a heart. That’s what you tell yourself. You don’t want to die just to find out, though. That moment on the field, when he rushed towards you, all teeth and claws and fur, was the first time you’ve truly been scared in your life.

It’s not the last time, though.

 

Your friends are hiding something from you. You know they are, and you think you know what it is, because they glance away from you when you get too close to questions they don’t want to answer.

Allison is the worst, and you don’t want to feel betrayed, but you do.

Because you dream of monsters, and fire and blood, and you don’t understand but you want to. 

 

You cannot even begin to describe Jackson. How you feel about him, how you felt about him. He is a mystery to you, and its almost funny, because he always complained that you were a mystery to him. You complement each other so well; you are one and the same, you are complete opposites. Together, you are dangerous, you are feral, and you are the farthest thing from passionate. There is no love between the two of you. There is only anger and teenage angst.

You are puzzle pieces that rub against each other all wrong, even if it seems like you could fit if you only pushed hard enough. 

 

You loathe Danny because he is so easy to love. He knows his way around people’s hearts, into their hearts, in a way that you never could, because you cannot even find your own. You loathe him because he can make people open up, tell him their secrets, and when they look at you they close up, show you the parts that they want you to see. You want to find their weak spots, but they don’t show them to you.

Your friends are hiding something from you, and you only want the truth.

 

Intimacy is not new to you. But when he burrows into your chest and under your ribs and jabs at your heart, it burns, and makes you ache with a sensation that you’ve never felt. You want it to cease, you want it to stop, and at the same time you never want it to end, because oh, there it is.

You knew you had a heart. 

 

Love is a bitter thing, he whispers to you in the night. 

But I like it because it is bitter, you call in return, and something blossoms in your chest.


End file.
